Living With Chronic Eczema

You brush your shirt off to get the tell-tale flakes of skin off only to look down two minutes later to see a million more. This is living with eczema. Part of it anyway. Every day you struggle with the embarrassment of going out in public with your skin peeling so much you look like a zombie straight out of the Walking Dead.

It's not pretty, it's not fun. Most days I wake up scratching myself in the middle of the night, worried what it's going to look like the next day. I constantly worry that the fast rate at which I shed my skin is eventually going to leave me skinless, which is absurd, but it's what runs through my head.

I've tried every lotion, cream, and medication you can name. Natural, not: I've tried it. And yes, I even tried tanning. Nothing works. The first time I was racked with this horrible skin condition, the flare up lasted a full two years.  In that time, I saw EIGHT doctors, was allergy tested multiple times, and was tested for lupus (which included blood tests and MRIs). I was even put on dangerous medications usually used for organ transplants to suppress my immune system. NOTHING WORKED. 

Eventually, I switched jobs and the symptoms started to subside on their own. I figured it must've been something I was working with, which could've been anything because I worked at Kroger. While I was pregnant, my skin looked the best it has ever looked. And, not a month after my son was born, my eczema came back worse than before.

Now I am struggling with whether or not to even bother with another pointless doctor who will give me prednisone (oral steroids) to temporarily solve the problem and a steroid cream that won't work. In the two years I suffered before I was on prednisone multiple times and gained fifty pounds from being on that medication. Never was able to drop the weight either, which is seriously unhealthy for a 5'2" person.

So I go on. I lather lotion all over and try to keep myself from scratching my scalp, my face, my chest, my stomach, my arms, my legs. I'm crossing my fingers it goes away sooner than two years this time. It's not easy to live with, and it certainly doesn't help my battle with depression and anxiety.

There is currently little research on the causes of eczema and an even smaller amount dedicated to finding a cure. I encourage you to check out the National Eczema Association. Eczema is not a fatal disease but it is debilitating and we need a cure. Eight doctors couldn't help me. Who can?

The Time is Right

I used to believe I could do anything I wanted with my life.  I wanted to be a writer. I assumed I would get my English degree and then be paid to write. I was a bit naive, though I think it would be more appropriate to call it hopeful. Now, eight months have passed since I received my degree; I am not, in fact, being paid to write. 

Part of me is sad this is so and yet I wonder if I was being paid to write, would I still enjoy it? Or would it merely become a "job", a means to an end? I don't know the answer to that but I can say now I have a low stress job I am enjoying,I have been writing more often. 

Perhaps writing is a bit different from other careers people aspire to do. I have a job that pays the bills which allows me to write when I want, however I want. 

It is nice to think a novel is there at the tips of my fingers, just waiting for the moment I can jot it all down. I suppose the point I wanted to make here is your job is sometimes simply that, a job. But never give up on your dreams or stop doing what makes you happy. This is what makes us human, that we strive for something bigger and better. 

I want to be the best at my job and I also want to be a writer. Who says I can't do both?

Is Religion Right? Looking at the Pros and Cons

Life is but a small piece of our universe, one tiny instance in the grand scheme of things. Yet it is all we know, so it becomes the most important piece, the piece that must be protected and treasured. But what lies beyond life? What happened before? Is this really all there is? Are we really so naive and self-centered that we believe our minuscule lives are all there is? Human beings, animals, Earth, all surrounded by floating rocks and burning balls of light. Surely the mere structure of our universe is enough to convince someone there is more than just what we see in front of us. 

The conclusion many people come to when confronted with the incredible wonders of our planet is usually something religious. I do not deny the presence of a higher power but I also do not focus my attention on any one religion, being as I don't find any one that fits my ideas of the world. I also find it hard to believe just one could be right, yet all proponents of each religion swear they know the ultimate truth. 

I firmly believe I can respect and admire nature and science in all of its beauty and complexity without offending any "god". I also believe that respecting and honoring those around me is enough to please any so-called "righteous god" and therefore save me from any future condemnation. 

Many claim that this is simply a refusal to choose a religion, a way out. It is seen as "cheating" by trying to encompass all religions by remaining without a religion and attempting to save oneself no matter which religion ends up being right. 

To that I say, what if you are all wrong? What then? I am not refusing to choose, I am simply not convinced that any rituals and traditions would please a god any more than my beliefs in being a good and decent person would. 

Religion is often a troublemaker. For centuries, it had caused wars among those who practice different religions and even between denominations of the same religion. Most religious issues arise from extremist groups within the religion, usually a small amount of people that make a huge impact on the image of the religion itself. A prime example would be extremist Muslims who have given Islam a bad name. There are also problems with some religions ostracizing certain groups of people (certain Christian groups and LGBTQ individuals) or subjugating a group (women in many religions). 

I have no religion and would like to think I am an extremely kind and caring person who is not quick to judge or condemn. This does not mean I think religion should be done away with. Religion has many benefits to counter some of the negativity it brings. One of my biggest reasons for supporting religion is its social benefit. It often creates a feeling of community and acceptance that can lead to high self-esteem, greater involvement in society, an improved ability to speak to and approach others, and a sense of being able to give your problems to someone above you. 

That being said, not having a religion is okay too. I feel that I am socially advanced and have decent self-esteem without the help of a church. However, I know that many people need religion in their lives. I also know that I am not one of those people. 

What are your opinions on religion? Is it going to advance as time goes on or will it fade into the past? What are its benefits for you?

Positively Silver and Beautiful

 "You have to do everything you can, you have to work your hardest, and if you do, if you stay positive, you have a shot at a silver lining."

-Silver Linings Playbook (2012)

I recently read up on the Oscar nominees, expecting to see a long list of movies I have never heard of, let alone seen, but I was pleasantly surprised to see Silver Linings Playbook in so many categories. Best Picture, Best Actress, Best Actor, Best Supporting Actor...etc. Silver Linings Playbook is not your average movie. It highlights the difficulties of living with mental illness and how the people around those with a mental illness deal with something they cannot begin to understand.

Jennifer Lawrence delivers a stunning performance as Tiffany, a slightly neurotic but very wonderful girl who is full of pain, but also full of life. Bradley Cooper is stellar as Pat Solatano, who nearly killed the man he found in the shower with his wife and is afterward on a journey to improve his life and find a silver lining in every situation. These two are amazing onscreen and I seriously doubted the chemistry because of the age difference and my tendency to only see Cooper as the goofy guy from the Hangover. But he surprised me, and Jennifer Lawrence delivers a performance that exceeds her age and experience. She is a naturally talented woman who is not afraid to completely give herself over to a role.

Aside from the acting, the movie itself is beautiful. The message to find that silver lining in every bad situation is present throughout the film, but I was also impressed with the way Tiffany and Pat are portrayed as characters with obvious social problems and anger issues, but it was never depicted as something that made them less than human. Their "illnesses" (I only call it that because I am not sure how else to put it) become normal, especially when they are together because they wholly accept each other in all their faults.

I was stunned and blown away by the film's combination of drama and comedy. I wanted to cry sometimes and at other times I was laughing out loud. This movie is a must-see for everyone (well, not children) and I recommend everyone watch it with an open heart. It teaches us to learn to be accepting and loving and to understand that some people have problems, but that doesn't mean we can't help them feel wanted and accepted for who they are.

Off Day

It is really hard to be motivated on my off day. All I want to do is lay in bed and not accomplish anything. Unfortunately, I have a paper due tomorrow, so that's not happening.

I hope you all have had time to read some of my poetry and stories. I am really excited to start sharing my writing with a larger audience.

Remember, if there is something you have always wanted to do, do it! I waited to long to start being serious about my writing. It is a great feeling to know that I am actually accomplishing something.

Of course, there are those people who will not support you, who you feel like judge you for trying to do something else with your life that is different. But I say, ignore those people. Take charge of your life and do what you love.