Wrecked.

1:25PM: I clock out for lunch. Not sure where I'm going yet but I am hungry. I jump in my car and decide something quick is best. McDonalds. Five minutes is all it would take. 

1:35PM: Already ordered. Put my food in my passenger seat and my coke in the cup holder. I pull up to the entrance, look left and right. Okay I can pull out now, I thought. There is a moving truck turning into McDonalds. I put my foot onto the gas and make a left turn. 

1:36PM: I pass through one lane. I get to the second and see a truck. So close. There is only time for me to throw up my arm and scream in fear. The impact crushes my door into my side. I hear it. It is the loudest and most dreadful sound I've ever heard. My window shatters. Glass all over me. My coke busts and wet soda is flung across me. I feel cold. I continue to scream as the man in the truck asks me if I am okay. I don't know if I'm okay. 

1:40PM: I call my manager because I know she can call my mom and Michael. I know I can't . I can barely breathe. I can't wrap my head around the fact that I am trapped in this car and I have no idea what is hurting or if I am okay. My hand is bleeding. 

1:42PM: A policeman is talking to me. I hear him say ambulance. I nod. Yes. I need one. My other manager shows up. She holds my hand and sits in the car with me. I think about how wonderful she is. I'm crying. 

1:50PM: It's so cold outside. I'm shaking from the cold and from being nervous. The fire truck is here. They tell me they are going to have to cut my door. They put a blanket up to protect me from glass. After a couple of minutes I feel the door come further into my side. I yell out. They stop and try to do it another way. My car is being ripped open. 

1:55PM: They tell me not to move. They will move me. It's very hard not to move. They slide me onto a board and get me out of the car. All I can see are blue skies above me. They load me into the ambulance alongside the man that was in the truck. 

2:00PM: They are asking me what hurts. I'm too upset and anxious. Then the pain starts to set in. My hand. My neck. My shoulder. My side. I hear the driver say I could have internal bleeding. I could be paralyzed. It doesn't help my anxiety. 

2:15PM: After the longest ride of my life, we are at the hospital. She tells me they are taking me to trauma. Just in case. I'm terrified. All I can see is what is above me. I have no idea what's going on. They press on my stomach and my back. She's okay, they say. Roll her back out. 

2:17PM: My mom was there before me. And Michael. They stand around my bed as I cry some more. Dad shows up. They roll me into a room. 

2:20PM: My sister and brother-in-law show up. Daniel had been at the scene of the accident but I was already in the   ambulance. I feel loved. But I'm still scared. 

3:00PM: A doctor looks at me. Tells me we will get some X-rays. Takes my neck brace off. That's good news. The nurse gives me a pain pill. It helps. 

4:00PM: They haven't even cleaned my hand. There is still glass under me; I can feel it. 

5:00PM: I'm rolled out to get X-rays of my hand, my shoulder, and my hips. My hips started hurting at the hospital. Probably from not being able to move for hours. The nurse does all the X-rays. She was nice and it only hurt a little. I'm rolled back in the room to wait for the results. 

6:30PM: The nurse comes in. No broken bones. You'll be sore. He slaps a bandaid on my hand (which was never cleaned), gives me a prescription for ibuprofen and a muscle relaxer. I am discharged. 

7:00PM: I walk out of the hospital, crying from the pain in my hips. I survived. I was going to be okay. I had imagined so much worse as I laid in that hospital bed, listening to the nurses talk about what could be wrong with me. 

I don't know how I came out of that with only a bruised and cut up hand and incredible soreness. But I did. And I am so thankful for the people that helped me through it. 

 

And In the Beginning There Was a Writer

Here it is. All my work. Ever. All of it. In front of me. On this desk. Today begins the arduous process of going through all of this to find the good stuff. It will be a fun journey, going back through all my writing, seeing how terrible it was. And how surprisingly good it was in many ways. I'm excited to start this project and I hope you all are interested in my progress which I will be posting here. 

Notice the awesome Harry Potter journal. Just thought I'd point that out. Here's to a best seller!

The Time is Right

I used to believe I could do anything I wanted with my life.  I wanted to be a writer. I assumed I would get my English degree and then be paid to write. I was a bit naive, though I think it would be more appropriate to call it hopeful. Now, eight months have passed since I received my degree; I am not, in fact, being paid to write. 

Part of me is sad this is so and yet I wonder if I was being paid to write, would I still enjoy it? Or would it merely become a "job", a means to an end? I don't know the answer to that but I can say now I have a low stress job I am enjoying,I have been writing more often. 

Perhaps writing is a bit different from other careers people aspire to do. I have a job that pays the bills which allows me to write when I want, however I want. 

It is nice to think a novel is there at the tips of my fingers, just waiting for the moment I can jot it all down. I suppose the point I wanted to make here is your job is sometimes simply that, a job. But never give up on your dreams or stop doing what makes you happy. This is what makes us human, that we strive for something bigger and better. 

I want to be the best at my job and I also want to be a writer. Who says I can't do both?

Is Religion Right? Looking at the Pros and Cons

Life is but a small piece of our universe, one tiny instance in the grand scheme of things. Yet it is all we know, so it becomes the most important piece, the piece that must be protected and treasured. But what lies beyond life? What happened before? Is this really all there is? Are we really so naive and self-centered that we believe our minuscule lives are all there is? Human beings, animals, Earth, all surrounded by floating rocks and burning balls of light. Surely the mere structure of our universe is enough to convince someone there is more than just what we see in front of us. 

The conclusion many people come to when confronted with the incredible wonders of our planet is usually something religious. I do not deny the presence of a higher power but I also do not focus my attention on any one religion, being as I don't find any one that fits my ideas of the world. I also find it hard to believe just one could be right, yet all proponents of each religion swear they know the ultimate truth. 

I firmly believe I can respect and admire nature and science in all of its beauty and complexity without offending any "god". I also believe that respecting and honoring those around me is enough to please any so-called "righteous god" and therefore save me from any future condemnation. 

Many claim that this is simply a refusal to choose a religion, a way out. It is seen as "cheating" by trying to encompass all religions by remaining without a religion and attempting to save oneself no matter which religion ends up being right. 

To that I say, what if you are all wrong? What then? I am not refusing to choose, I am simply not convinced that any rituals and traditions would please a god any more than my beliefs in being a good and decent person would. 

Religion is often a troublemaker. For centuries, it had caused wars among those who practice different religions and even between denominations of the same religion. Most religious issues arise from extremist groups within the religion, usually a small amount of people that make a huge impact on the image of the religion itself. A prime example would be extremist Muslims who have given Islam a bad name. There are also problems with some religions ostracizing certain groups of people (certain Christian groups and LGBTQ individuals) or subjugating a group (women in many religions). 

I have no religion and would like to think I am an extremely kind and caring person who is not quick to judge or condemn. This does not mean I think religion should be done away with. Religion has many benefits to counter some of the negativity it brings. One of my biggest reasons for supporting religion is its social benefit. It often creates a feeling of community and acceptance that can lead to high self-esteem, greater involvement in society, an improved ability to speak to and approach others, and a sense of being able to give your problems to someone above you. 

That being said, not having a religion is okay too. I feel that I am socially advanced and have decent self-esteem without the help of a church. However, I know that many people need religion in their lives. I also know that I am not one of those people. 

What are your opinions on religion? Is it going to advance as time goes on or will it fade into the past? What are its benefits for you?

10 Gorgeous Cinema Celebrities

Within the past year or so, the world of cinema has graciously provided some of the most amazing movies to grace the silver screen in quite some time. Not only did moviegoers get to enjoy wonderfully directed movies, they also got the chance to admire some of Hollywood's finest. 

Here are the top ten celebs that gave our eyes great pleasure recently. 

10) Andrew Garfield

The Amazing Spiderman was a superhero movie that was revamped and released with a hot new cast including the one and only Andrew Garfield as Spiderman. Garfield was both cute and smoldering at times and won the audience over with his charming smile and his heroic deeds. 

9) Carey Mulligan 

The beautiful Mulligan appears in the newly released The Great Gatsby as the torn and tragic character Daisy Buchanan. Her faint dimples and dark eyes are mesmerizing. She is a stunning actress and won many hearts with her portrayal of Daisy. 

8) Bradley Cooper

Before Cooper played the touching role of Pat Soltano in Silver Linings Playbook, I simply thought of him as the goofy guy from The Hangover. But his dazzling performance as a man with mental issues falling in love with a girl who is equally as troubled made me see him in a whole new light. His gorgeous blue eyes pierced my soul and I fell in love with his acting and his eyes. 

7) Leonardo Dicaprio 

Over and over I am floored by Dicaprio's performances. From Titanic to Inception to The Great Gatsby, there is always something deeply realistic in his portrayal of a character. His recent role as Jay Gatsby had me falling out of my seat from sheer infatuation. His looks, his voice, his walk...perfectly Gatsby. 

6) Emma Stone

I first fell for Emma's quirky and fun attitude in Easy A. Since then she has blossomed into a beautiful young woman who can pull off blonde, brown, and red hair. She is one actress who is dashingly beautiful inside and out. Her role in The Amazing Spiderman had viewers wishing they could save her too. 

5) Anne Hathaway

Hathaway's performance in Les Miserables has put her in league with Hollywood's finest. Though her appearance in that movie wasn't too glamorous, I must say Hathaway is absolutely stunning with her new pixie cut. 

4) Skylar Astin

This adorable cutie sang his way into our hearts as a Treblemaker in the smash hit Pitch Perfect. What's better than a handsome man? A handsome man who can sing and dance. I must say I swooned at his little moves during the Treblemakers' final performance. Astin is definitely an actor I would love to see more. 

3) Emma Watson

From fluffy haired Hermione to a rather stunning young woman, Watson has made her mark on film with her role in The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Not only is she such a wonderful person to look at, but she also has that lovely accent I could listen to all day. Watson has certainly become one of cinema's greatest actors and is receiving a lot of good attention for her upcoming role in Bling Ring. 

2) Robert Downey Jr.

Oh, Iron Man. What can I say about you that is not obviously apparent? The latest installment in Marvel's Iron Man movies is perhaps the best for admiring RDJ's super fit silhouette. More time out of the suit means more time with the great RDJ.  RDJ pumps up the sexy in the third installment and even gives the viewers a chance to admire his dance moves. 

1) Jennifer Lawrence

The number one beauty over the past year is without a doubt the talented Jennifer Lawrence. This woman truly is beautiful inside and out. She is a great example of how being yourself is the most important thing. Lawrence never puts on a front before the cameras: what you see is what you get. Her candid and honest personality makes her all the more beautiful. 

Bonus! 

 

One of music's sexiest:

Patrick Stump

I couldn't write about gorgeous celebs without including one of my very favorite men: Patrick Stump, frontman of the pop-punk band Fall Out Boy. FOB's recent reunion has brought the band, and this cutie, back into the spotlight and I couldn't be happier. Stump is another one of those people who is beautiful inside and out, as apparent by his defense of his fans from the troll Shane Morris on Twitter this past week. 

Who are your favorite big screen actors? How does my list compare to yours?

How to Survive a Shopping Addiction

Forever 21, PacSun, Kohl's, American Eagle...etc. I love to shop. Online, in person, whichever. How do I buy cute clothes while staying on a very tight budget?

Easy. I never pay full price for anything.

One of the best ways to save money while also being a crazy shopper is to only shop the clearance racks. I shop clearance racks at every store I enter and usually end up with some pretty amazing deals. Now a "deal" for those of us who really are trying to save money is under five dollars. I try to not spend more than ten dollars for a shirt, twelve to fifteen for jeans, and fifteen for dresses. Now this is only if they are new.

One of my most favorite ways to shop is at thrift stores. Goodwill is the best place to pick up a cute pair of jeans for three dollars. Make sure they don't have any stains and always check the crotch to make sure they aren't worn out and developing holes.

Another great thing about places like Goodwill is you can buy cheap used clothes and then DIY some of it to make them part of the newest fashion trends. I recently purchased an old pair of denim shorts and bleached them in the ombré style. They are a hundred times cuter than when I bought them.

Remember no one has to know how much you paid for something (I however happily announce my two dollar purchases). Shop clearance racks and thrift stores! You can still rock an awesome outfit and save money!

Dealing with Depression, Let's Talk About It

*Warning: This is a very personal and true account of my battle with depression. I wanted to share because I know that other people battle this too and I have learned that it is something we shouldn't be afraid of. Not talking about it only makes it worse. I hope you benefit from my candid and heartfelt story.*

Have you ever felt so crazy that you don't even want to be inside your own head anymore?

It's almost like you're seeing yourself clearly for the first time. You come up with all these reasons why the people in your life would be better without you and all these characteristics about yourself that you hate. In a second you suddenly become this despicable person. The only thing you can do is cry and lie in bed hoping tomorrow never comes.

I'm not alone, I know there are plenty of people who feel like this. The only way I have been able to conquer my depression and mood swings was through a fairly heavy dosage of antidepressants. With that arises the question, should I need medication to feel happy? Am I simply unhappy and pessimistic because that's who I am?

No. I feel like there is more to me than tears, pain, doubt, and self-hatred. I want a happy, fruitful life. And the only way I have even gotten close is by taking my happy pills. I'm not ashamed of it and I know I am far better with them than without them.

I've been dealing with the depression and anger issues for quite some time, almost as long as I can remember. I believe I might have been somewhat "normal" until about age ten or so. For the most part I was a pretty amiable child who loved to make people laugh but as I got older, I became withdrawn, moody, and confrontational. My poor mother was often on the receiving end of my emotional roller coasters. We would stand at opposite ends of the house screaming at each other over the most ridiculous things.

Some of our problems were normal teenager issues: boys, friends, getting to go somewhere, but then there were the more unusual fights over watching television or dinner or how my hair looked that day. My mood could switch from happy to annoyed to angry to distraught in five seconds flat.

I'm sure most of you are thinking "bipolar much?" But when I was younger, that was something other people had, not me. And, like any good parent, my parents weren't willing to rush me to the doctor and put me on some meds for something they thought I would probably grow out of.

Thinking back on it now, I know I should have talked more to my parents about how I was feeling at the time, but there aren't many teenagers who are willing to have that conversation. So I battled inwardly with my hatred of myself, hating the way I acted and hating how I treated my mom and hating how much I cried, but I seemed to never be able to stop doing those things I hated so much.

Several years later, I was at the doctor to get my antidepressant prescription. I had finally had enough with my crazy moods. My mother was in the room with me and before the doctor asked me the necessary questions to see if I needed the medicine, she asked if I wanted my mom to leave the room. I thought about it for a second and realized the best way to explain to my mom the reason why I needed this medicine was to let her hear my answers to the doctor's questions. "No, she can stay."

"Alright, let's get started then. How long have you been experiencing these feelings of depression?"

"On and off since I was about eleven or twelve. Sometimes are worse than others. And I have some pretty bad mood swings."

She made a note and nodded. "Okay, have you ever had suicidal thoughts?"

Boom. The big question. I looked at my mom and could see the tears welling up in her eyes as she looked at me.

I had to be honest. "Uh, yeah."

Mom burst into tears. I wanted to cry. The doctor gazed at my mom sympathetically, "I know that's hard for a mother to hear."

Mom, choking back tears, responded, "How did I not know that about my own kid?"

Well I knew the answer to that one. "I didn't want you to know."

I remember feeling like no one would understand what I was going through. No one had ever felt as horrible as I did and I would repeat over and over that my family and friends would be "better off if I was dead." I am very happy I was never brave enough to actually attempt anything. Well, I don't think I would call that bravery but I do know that actually killing myself scared the shit out of me, even though I did think it would be better if I did.

After being on my medication for a few months, I could tell that it was helping me. I dealt with stressful situations in a calmer manner, my mood swings were few and far between, and my relationship with my mom was the best it had ever been. I'm not ashamed that I need my medication to have a better life. I enjoy my life now more than I ever did and I am thankful for the people around me that supported me when I was moody and hard to be around.

I only hope that others read this and realize that they should talk about their feelings to someone. Talking about it will help you. I can't help but think if I had gotten help sooner maybe I would have saved myself quite a few years of suffering.

So take a deep breath, do what makes you happy, and live.